My story with mental health
Why I turned to meditation and the love of the Universe & how meditation has transformed my life ...
Before I begin I just want to put a trigger warning out there I will be discussing my personal story with my mental health & self harm.
Please bear with me, this may be a little all over the place.
This has been very difficult to construct, talk and write about. Before coming to post this I had gone back and forth with posts and videos. Stopping and starting, thinking some more on it. But despite the fear and how messy it feels I am allowing myself to show up, as I wish to share how meditation has truly transformed my quality of life, and how healing this powerful practice has been for me!
The biggest set back to sharing this was where do I start? Well I suppose I just start writing...
I struggled with anxiety from a young age, perhaps the most prominent contributing factor to this was the fact I couldn't hear. I had problems with my ears and hearing from very early on, and was in and out of Dr's & Hospital appointments. For my peers around me they must have felt I was being rude for not answering or thinking I was ignoring them, but I couldn't always hear them. I struggled acedmically in primary school as a result, and was kept back a year in Year 5 being moved down a year back into Year 4. I had TA support in primary school, similar to the role I do now as a learning mentor in the secondary school I work in. I also had tutoring, and my mum would sit with me after school teaching me to spell and read until I had caught up again. But this meant I was 'behind' my peers and never as 'ready' as they were. I had grommets, and nearly had hearing aids but as I got older my hearing improved, but I still don't have 'full' hearing in both ears and I don't always know when I am speaking too quietly for example.
There is so much I could unpack here but I would like to leave it there for the moment. I continued struggling with anxiety through primary school and into teen years. I was around 12 or 13 when I feel the anxiety was the worst in school. I feared being seen or heard and I didn't communicate or couldn't without going blistering red to the point my eyes would water. I would sweat and get stomach aches. I often felt very distressed, embaressed and ashamed by this regular daily occurrence that I couldn't control. It got to a point where I would panic and go red at the anticipation of my name being said in the register. The anxiety and panic was overwhelming, but I didn't have any concept this was anxiety. I just hung my head in shame until the redness passed. Eventually the shame I felt around this was too much, so I turned to harming myself. Looking back as my adult self trying to heal and work through this I think perhaps I thought that what I was doing to myself was 'worse' than the embarrassment of always going red so who cared! During mid teen years I felt very numb, not really 'feeling' my emotions or understanding them - so when I did 'feel' them it was like one massive blow out of emotions that appeared to come out of no where and didn't make sense. I began shutting myself away after school, wearing heavier makeup (to also hide the red flushes), and for a time tried to control how much I was eating. I didn't like myself, the way I felt or looked and began to struggle with depression.
I would also like to say I have many happy memories from my childhood, growing up and being a teenager! I had a loving family, a lovely circle of friends in secondary school, I went to scouts and explorers which was amazing, I started my first job as a paper girl and loved it! I would go play out the front with all the other kids, go and make dens in the fields, go on long walks along the canal with our family dog at the time. I always loved being amongst nature and the trees. I have many happy memories, but the point of this story is to share that at the same time I was struggling. This continued.
GCSE's came and went - we moved to Dorset the day I finished my last exam. Rather terrifying starting again in a new place but also so refreshing! I started 6th form and it was so different to secondary school, less pressure and more focused on what I enjoyed - geography, sociology and philosophy. After 6th form though it felt hard again, I didn't go to Uni like my friends. Instead I got my first full time job, then on to the second job, then the third job all in the space of a year. Trying so hard to find my way not really knowing what was going on, leaving jobs that were taking a toll on my mental health and finding new ones hoping it would be better. I remember sitting with my parents crying that I didn't know what to do with my life at 18 years old. I think deep down I knew there was something for me even then but has no idea what and it was so frustrating.
By 18/19 I stopped self harming, I acknowledged this wasn't how I wanted to treat myself and it made me feel very wrong. I didn't like the thought or idea of what I was doing to myself. This is still very difficult to digest, and I spent a long time ignoring what I did to myself overwhelmed by fear, guilt, shame, regret and sadness. Why did I do this to myself? I have avoided sharing because of the beliefs I have held:
No one will love me if they know - they will leave me
I won't ever succeed or have a career if anyone knew I struggled with depression
Other people have it far worse - no one needs to hear this
But this is not the truth. I have a beloved circle of friends and family around me, a loving, kind, caring partner. No one has left me because I did myself harm in the past or struggle with anxiety. I have always been employed and made money, my current manager is aware of my struggle with anxiety and has always been supportive. I started this business and make an income from it. And I believe my story is valid because it is why I turned to meditation which I will get on to in a mo. (Like I said this may be a little all over the place)
So to continue...when I was 20 I reached my lowest point with my mental health, I was going though a break up, had to leave my job, move back in with my parents, I was sleeping on their sofa and I had felt so spiritually and physically exhausted for so long! And one night I was sat crying thinking I don't want to feel like this any more, I don't want to continue feeling this low, unhappy and afraid. That was the first time I spoke to the Universe and said I trust you, I trust you to guide me now what ever it takes I will do it. What ever that may look like, and I had absolutely no idea in that moment.
And what a journey it has been these past 5 years! She did not hold back, the Universe did not hold back! She delivered - the people, opportunities, healers, trainings and teachers to help me find my mediation practice. Every time I have resisted the work, resisted my meditation practice, resisted taking the next step she has delivered anyway. I turned to Her, to Mama Moon and Mama Earth with utter blind faith and made a promise to commit myself to this journey of healing what ever it took.
I am so proud of myself for all the work I have done so far, it has not been easy but I wouldn't want it any other way. Through meditation I found myself, I leant about myself, I have healed myself, and witnessed such transformation within myself! I can say hand on heart meditation has changed the quality of my life, in this moment and for about a year now I am the happiest and most confident I have ever felt. There is still heaviness, healing, snotty noses, lows and some days anxiety arises. But I am still on my own journey too, taking it one soul step at a time.
In sharing this part of my story with you I hope to share how possible it is to heal, to alchemise, shift and transform. Meditation and mindfulness are powerful practices that with consistent practice can lead to such transformation with in so without. That isn't to say I didn't also turn to other ways of healing on this journey, I also receive regular reiki and have had counselling and hope to again in the future.
The most amazing part of this journey for me was when I finally accepted I didn't have to do it all alone! I could accept help, guidance and support. From the first time I did my meditation teacher training with my teacher she has continued to support me and spiritually hold my hand on this path. Holding space for me to be me without judgement. She has helped me find courage and faith again to re commit myself to my practice when I lost my way with it and to explore my inner world on a deeper level.
I am so blessed and honoured to now support, guide, teach and mentor others on their journey, and to have established a sisterhood of brilliant, beautiful, empowering women! So we may hold, support and encourage each other, to share our stories, magic and wisdom. So we may never walk the path alone again!
Thank you so much for reading this, and if you are struggling with your mental health please consider talking to your GP or if possible speak to your loved ones.
Or speak to the Samaritans - I have a couple of times along the way when I was struggling badly with my mental health and they were really kind, understanding and helpful.
Visit their website here:
Wishing you love, peace and blessings,
Sophie xxx